new Endings, new Beginnings

Early on Valentines morning I can inform that I still haven’t fallen in love. But I have fallen into other things. Being alone is a learning experience. Refining. One of my biggest fears have always been to be alone. It doesn’t frighten me as much anymore. I’m more scared to lose myself, and that is easier done when amongst many. I’ve also learned that I’m rather not in love than unhappily in love. So life is pretty good.

It looks like I will have a lot of time and opportunities to be alone and “finding myself”. I just got a job in Tranemo, a small town of a few thousand people. It’s a good job, I think, as a social worker, so I will be busy with work. Great opportunity for me to grow and learn. And hopefully help others. But also, a lot of time to be alone. Moving to a small town in Sweden scares me more than living in a city like Bangkok with 10 million people. In 2 weeks I will leave Stockholm, leave friends and leave bad jobs that I am overqualified for. Endings, good and bad. And in 2 weeks I will begin a life in Tranemo, begin a job I am qualified and trained for, begin getting a drivers license and begin building up a home. New beginnings, alone. I’m excited, very excited. But I’m also scared to death.

“Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely“

To be continued…

I want to fall in love

I miss the feeling.

…

Happy birthday to me

This birthday I’m listening to my old love India.Arie, especially “Private party”, and feeling a bit deep. Sort of………..enjoying the journey – now.

“I’m having a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my angels, and my guitar singin’ baby look how far we’ve come.

[...]

Sometimes I’m alone but never lonely
That’s what I’ve come to realize
I’ve learned to love the quiet moments
The Sunday mornings of life
Where I can reach deep down inside
Or out into the universe
I can laugh until I cry
Or I can cry away the hurt

[...]

Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday…“

Bangkok public transportation system – better than the Swedish?

I had an interesting experience with the commuter train (pendeltåg) this morning. If you live in Stockholm you have most likely noticed the nightmare it is to go on the commuter train nowdays. I travel 2 hours on the train everyday (1 hour each way), and another 30 mins each way on foot and bus, and without exaggerating I can say that there are delays almost every day. If it’s not on the way to work it’s on the way home. Sometimes it’s just a few minutes (enough to miss the bus though), but it’s not rare that I come 15-30 minutes late to work. There’s always some kind of problem with the rails, the power, the points or signal system. Very frustrating since I get a minus on my “flex account” and have to make up for it another day. AND because it’s not exactly warm outside. And because I think I spend enough time on a train or bus or waiting for one anyway. Today was no different, just worse. I got as far as to the central station, arriving 15 minutes late. Shortly after leaving the station a power problem occurred and the train had to stop. We stood there for about 45 minutes waiting. First for them to figure out what to do, and when they realized there was nothing to do we had to wait for more personnel to come and evacuate the train and walk back to the station. That was a rather interesting experience (see pictures). Once back at the station, since the power was all out, I had to take the subway to work (which takes longer time). By now I was 30 minutes late for work, and when I finally arrived I was 1 hour and 15 minutes late. The train problems are really something that has driven me crazy this fall. You just feel so powerless when you’re standing there and there’s nothing you can do and they don’t even tell you what’s wrong. You can’t yell at anyone because it’s not the train personnel’s fault. You just have to suck it up and be patient. I hate it. But apparently it has been good for me and my patience. This morning it didn’t bother me at all. I just placed my scarf comfortably as a pillow and continued my usual train nap, while listening to people around me making phone calls, letting people at work know they wont make it to that meeting etc. I found it peaceful somehow. And it was quite exiting jumping off the train in between two stops. I even enjoyed taking the subway for a change, and walking through the mall on the way to work. Beats working. But, as I said, now I have 1 hour and 15 mins more to make up some other day. Sigh. Seriously, when I lived in Bangkok I traveled over 1 hour to work and I didn’t have nearly as much problems as I have here. Sure I was late on occasion, but usually it worked fine. I just find it funny that it seems harder to get from A to B on time in a country famous for it’s organized society, and it’s wonderful public transportation system, than in a city where there is organized chaos. Sure, in Bangkok you didn’t have timetables, and there where so many different buses, owned by different people, you never knew exactly which one to take. But there was always a bus, or some form of transportation, to get you where you wanted. I guess when you don’t have a timetable you never have to get frustrated about being late, you just get there when you get there. With time you learn how long time it takes to go between different places. When a train is supposed to arrive 17.57 and arrives 18.03 and makes you miss a bus that left 18.01….well that is enough to drive a person crazy. Maybe we should learn from Bangkok and set all the buses free! Throw away the timetables. Let people own their own bus, and take people where they need to be taken. There will always be a bus and we wont have to stress about them not being on time, cause there is no time. I guess that doesn’t solve the problem with the train though…and it’s quite possible that this system only works in a city like Bangkok, where peoples motto is “take it easy”. Sigh. It’ll be interesting to see if I can get to work on time tomorrow.

Kebab pizza and Swedish hot dogs

Today at work I heard an interview on the radio with Nina Persson, from the Cardigans. Apparently she has a new band/project with her American husband and another guy going on, I didn’t really hear all that was said. I did however hear a little discussion they had with the American husband about typical Swedish food, and he said something that I thought was really funny, and true. He thought that typical Swedish nowadays is a unique mix of things that have been brought here by other cultures, and then put together in a new way by the Swedes. The perfect example is the kebab pizza (simply a pizza with the kebab meet, sauce and salad on top). Pizza is not Swedish, neither is kebab, but the mix of the two is something that I think is pretty unique for Sweden right now, and really popular too. Another one is the Swedish “Tunnbrödsrulle”, that consists of hot dogs, shrimp salad, mashed potatoes, lettuce, fried onions, ketchup and some other good stuff all wrapped in a thin bread roll, apparently also known as the Swedish hot dog. I don’t quite know where this comes from, but it sure is a pretty unique mix, and very typical for Sweden. At least I think so, let me know if I’m wrong. I guess this is true for most countries. As people move around and cross borders more and more, cultures join a new culture and another new unique culture is created. Some people don’t like that, but I think it’s pretty cool. I mean how fun is meatballs and pickled herring, really? And how often do we actually eat it? Ok we still eat it now and then, especially meatballs, and it’s good food. But next time someone asks me about typical Swedish food I will say Kebab pizza. Yeah!

l like this square version of the Kebab pizza, found and stolen off the Internet

Swedish hot dog

intoxication

“Mitt hjärta har en frusen inneboende med
pajjat självförtroende som inte mår så bra.
Hon plockar fram allt det jag gömmer och minns
allt det jag glömmer och säger att hon är jag.”

“När vinet glöder i de fyllda glasen och
vi börjar bli i gasen, då lossar tungans band.
Vi som gått omkring och varit så blyga
vi slutar upp att smyga, motet kommer efterhand.

Hej, tjo och klackarna i taket!
Nu visar vi helt naket hur modiga vi är.
Inga ord kan bli för stora, vad har jag att förlora?
Så är det med det!

Alla rus i stora famnen och skeppet söker hamnen
och vänskapen är varm.
Livets gåtor blir så uppenbara och dem kan jag förklara
när du vilar på min arm

Senare när berusningen har lagt sig och
det som jag har sagt dig verkar ganska meningslöst.
Då undrar jag över hur du ser mig,
man för sig och hur man beter sig och då skrattar jag nervöst.

Mitt hjärta har en frusen inneboende med
pajjat självförtroende som inte mår så bra.
Hon plockar fram allt det jag gömmer och minns
allt det jag glömmer och säger att hon är jag. [x3]

Hon plockar fram allt det jag gömmer och minns
allt det jag glömmer och säger att hon är jag.”

- Rus by Lill Lindfors. Commercial/Information video showing on TV now. For those of you who don’t speak swedish, too bad for you A video says more than a thousand words?

Back in Sweden

I haven’t posted anything here in a few weeks now. It’s been busy, but I also haven’t felt the need to write as much as I usually do… Not sure why, but today I missed it a bit so here I am again. Back in Sweden all the sudden. Nothing that I planned on being and it all kinda happened rather sudden, but it feels like a good decision. Besides, it’s very me, when something feels right, I usually make quick plans and decisions. Little impatient I guess. The reasons I decided to go back to Sweden, at least for a few months, have little to do with Thailand really. I love Thailand and as cheesy as it may sound, I carry it and my experiences there close to my heart everyday. Sometime, somehow, I got stronger in Thailand, and I carry that strength with me wherever I go. What I miss the most is the people. The wonderful friends I made there, there’s a few of them that were especially hard to say goodbye too. But it helps to know that I made the right decision, and I feel good about being back in Sweden, to prepare for my next adventure, hehe. The plans are to go to the U.S. this fall (actually the main reason why I decided to go back to Sweden), but more about that later. For now, I’m enjoying the Swedish summer, seeing my family, friends and my dear, dear cats…

I can tell y’all this though, teaching English in Thailand is quite an experience that I really can’t say I miss that much. Goodness me, that was hard, sweaty work. I haven’t written much about working in Thailand, so I’ll probably do that soon. Actually, there will probably be quite a lot about Thailand here still, I haven’t really let go of the place yet, and there’s so much more to say So the blog wont change that much, it’ll still be about my travel experiences, mixed with my somewhat messy emotions and feelings, only now I’m traveling in Sweden for a while. And that ain’t too bad.

To all my little students, that I do miss a little after all

Interesting Thai snack…

Yesterday I was sitting in the computer room at work (as usual). It was almost time to go home and I was starting to feel a little bit hungry, just craving a little snack, you know? Just as I started feeling this, I detected an unknown but delicious smell in the room. Like roasted nuts, but better. I felt a little jealous at the person eating that, but then forgot about it and continued working. After a while my friend came towards me with this deliciously smelling snack in his hand. He was saying something that I couldn’t hear since I had music in my ear, but I motioned for him to toss some over. Which he did. And before I could react I had some kind of dead bug in my hand. I screamed (yes, I’m a girl) and dropped it. Right on my keyboard, where it lied very nicely. All the other teachers were of course looking at the silly farang who doesn’t know how to eat bugs. I managed to recollect myself and poke the dead bug off to the floor. “What is that?!?” I exclaimed. He couldn’t quite explain, but assured me it was delicious and threw a couple in his mouth just to demonstrate the truthfulness of his words.

Now, I know people down here eat bugs, and all kinds of weird stuff. But I just didn’t think that “normal” people, like my friends, did (yes, I know, could I sound more ignorant). I dunno, to me it’s gross, but maybe I’m missing out. It smelled great. And at least if we eat those gross little bugs they come to some use. I can imagine feeling some satisfaction watchin them get roasted. And it’s cheap. And probably healthier than all that junk I eat. But still…I just for the life of me can’t put one of those little things in my mouth. Just look at it:

I think I’ll pass on this one. For now.

And here’s a lolcat, speaking his mind about the subject:

 

Changes

There has been quite a few changes lately. For me at least. I’ve moved to Rangsit, which is about 1½ hour outside Bangkok, depending on where you are going and the traffic. It’s closer to school, actually just a few minutes away with motorbike. When I lived in Bangkok I had to get up at 5.30 (6 if i slept in) every morning, and usually didn’t get home until around 10-11pm. I’m not a morning person, so I’m quite impressed with myself for doing it. It’s nice to be able to sleep a little longer now, really nice. I miss Bangkok sometimes though, it can be kinda slow here in Rangsit, and even though it’s not that far away, it’s far enough to not be able to just randomly go out and hang with friends, I need to plan everything. But even if I still lived in town, it would not be the same. Four of my friends have gone home already and the last two are leaving in a few weeks. We were a little gang hanging out (all foreigners teaching English), but soon I’ll be the only one left. Just little me sittin out here in Rangsit. That’s how it feels sometimes. It’s not all bad though, the changes. I’m getting closer to my Thai friends that live out here. I’m getting closer to Thailand in general I think. You don’t have to go far away from Bangkok, and life is quite different. More country life. There is a mall not far from here and there you have McDonald’s, cinema, shopping and all that western stuff. But other than that, it’s all thai here. No fast food, people don’t speak English and I’m pretty much the only white person I see here. I actually feel quite famous, people keep staring at me wherever I go.

When I lived in Bangkok I was busy all the time. Always hanging with friends, always doing something, seeing something. When I first moved I really enjoyed having more time at home, in my own place. But now I’m starting to feel like I’m spending a little too much time at home. And I’m starting to feel a little bit lonely. Sometimes. But, I think this can be good, if I can just get my butt out of bed and use the time when I’m not working to do all those things I planned to do when I first came here. They were, and are:

1. Getting in shape. Like start running, swimming and get a gym card.

2. Find a volunteer opportunity. I really want to be involved in some volunteer work here, but I’ve been too busy with stuff to really take the time and look around.

3. Work extra. I’m trying to save some money, and now I have time to teach extra some nights. I just need to find something good.

4. Work on my hobbies. Like write more. Paint (I don’t really know how to, but I really like it), learn how to cook thaifood, learn more Thai, be more involved in Church. Stuff like that.

So this can be good, I just need to make the best out of it. Besides, people come and go all the time here, so hopefully some new cool people will come when the semester starts. They will hire 4 new English teachers at our school for sure. Hopefully they will be nice

So yeah, I guess I’m just trying to cheer myself up a bit. Plus now I have that little list up here, hopefully it will give me an extra push to actually get around to do it all.

And here’s the lolcat:

Songkran, songkran, songkran…

So, it’s been an interesting day. And an interesting weekend. Right now Songkran is being celebrated here in Thailand. I’m still confused about the history and meaning of this holiday, and I don’t get any straight answers from my thaifriends. But as far as I understand Songkran is the Thai New Year. Although the actual change of year takes place in January, and I think they celebrate it then as well, but for some reason they have a New Years celebration in April (ok so I should have read up more on it, but you all know how to google). What I do know though is that all Thais go absolutely crazy during Songkran, and for days it’s open war on the streets. Water war. It’s suddenly totally ok and normal to throw water at everyone you see. People stand by the side of the road with buckets, water guns and hoses and shoot at people, cars and motorbikes passing by. Kids and adults. Everyone. I spent Saturday on Khaosan road in Bangkok. Khaosan road is a famous street here, known for being the backpacker hangout place. Every Songkran the street is full of people with all kinds of water weapons, playing like little kids. I had so much fun, and have never been so wet on dry land in my whole life. Totally soaked. It was awesome.

Today, on the other hand, was not as awesome. My friend Mui had warned me about the danger of going out. If you go out you will get wet. I spent most Sunday inside, only made a short trip to the convenient store to get some food. I saw people throwing water, but managed to sneak by them. Today I started to get bored. It’s the big family day of the holiday, and my thaifriends spent the day with their families. So I decided to catch a movie. And this is what happened. I walk out with my new favorite pants, and start looking for a motorbike taxi to take. I have no idea what I was thinking. I probably wasn’t thinking since I know that all motorbikes gets attacked. But anyway my plan was to take one. I didn’t even get that far. As soon as I start walking on the street a group of people sees me (I’m kinda easy to spot since I’m pretty much the only white person in the town). They all start pointing at me and smiling. I stop and one of the women shouts hello. I reply nooooo, waiving my hands and backing. They all smile even bigger and one of the guys grabs a bucket full of water and starts walking towards me. I know there is no escape, but still I try. He catches up with me pretty soon though and pours the water over my head, down by my back and further. I turn around only to see him with some baby powder liquid thing in his hands, and soon it is all over my hair, face, and clothes. He looks so happy and pleased with himself. I just kinda stand there, wanting to say “but I was going to the cinema” but I know he doesn’t understand me, and that it’s too late. So I manage to smile and start walking back to my apartment. Everyone smiles at me, and I can see them thinking…Poor farang, she has no clue. Once back in my apartment I realize that I’m soaked. All my clothes are wet, down to my underwear. By now I’m a little confused as what to feel about this. I mean, I love water fights and I think this is an awesome holiday. It’s stuff like this that makes me love Thailand. But still. I really wanted to go to the movies, and if I go out again I will just get soaked, again. And I can’t really fight back, cause that will only make me even more wet. Should I just stay in? But no, after some thinking I decide that I can outsmart them. All I need to do is to find a cab, before they see me. So I change and head out again. I’m actually feeling really nervous now. I walk the other way this time and, looking desperately for a cab but see none. Instead I see a group of people, fully armed, walking in my direction. They still haven’t seen me so I try to walk back towards my building as invisible as possible. Right then I see a cab so I turn around and run towards it, waiving my hand. The group of people actually lets me pass, but as I reach the cab, another group turns up, full of young boys, looking extremely happy to see a white girl to bomb. They reach for me and try to get that powder mix on me again, but I’m too fast and manages to throw myself into the cab, fighting their hands off with the car door. Safe for now. He takes me to the mall, but when I get out of the cab I realize there are people with water guns everywhere outside the mall. A dad with his adorable little daughter sees me, and he starts pointing at me, encouraging the girl to go and get me. She is so cute that it almost makes me sad to rob her of the pleasure, but I’m so close now. I swiftly walk away from the front and find the car entrance, and slip in through there. I’m in! I feel extremely pleased with myself for having outsmarted them all. The movie was really good too, Nak, a Thai cartoon about a ghost that used to live in Phrakanong, my old area in Bkk. I love Asian movies, especially the cartoon ones. So full of imagination.

So that was my experience of Songkran so far. Kinda mixed feelings. I still think it’s awesome and I loved Saturdays water fight. But I’m kinda hoping today was the last day of waterthrowing. I know the holiday goes on for 2 more days, but tomorrow Mui and I are going in to Bangkok and I really don’t want to get wet. So let’s hope this was the last day of water.

And here’s a lolcat, describing how I felt today.